Not Good Enough
Within a matter of weeks I had the ginormous privilege of attending events where the speakers were Fr. Michael Gaitley, Chris Stefanick, and Scott Hahn.
Stick a fork in me, I’m done.
I’m still living off the graces from that month of mini-retreats.
Seeing these three Catholic powerhouses, all totally different from each other, a thought really took hold of me.
I was in total awe of God’s creativity in each human being he makes.
These three men had speaking, preaching, and teaching styles completely different from each other — and they all left you with that same burning in your heart desire to commit yourself deeper to the Lord.
Fr. Gaitley’s conversational style and honesty was like a breath of fresh air.
Chris Stefanick’s enthusiasm and spunk had you wanting to jump on top of your seat shouting “Amen!”
And Scott Hahn, well, was he Scott Hahn-ing — and that deserves its own verb.
I reflected on how incredible it was to have the opportunity to share in the faith of these guys. I reflected on how amazing it was that their jobs were to bring people closer to God.
Then I thought, man, I want to bring people closer to God so badly, but I’m just not good enough.
Then, the thoughts came flooding in, I’m …
Not good enough to raise tiny saints.
Not good enough to talk about God. (Well, because I’m the biggest hypocrite there is. Only perfect Christians can be true and powerful witnesses, right?! )
And definitely nowhere near good enough to write about faith.
Not good enough.
One of the biggest obstacles in my life is this common thought.
When I step away from those thoughts and hear them as I think God would hear them … I see Him shaking His head at me, placing the palm of His hand on His forehead and exhaling an “Oh, boy. Here she goes again.” And then I hope He smiles and lightning-bolts some grace down to me.
I know better than to think this “not good enough” nonsense.
But, I just can’t help it.
In matters of anything faith-related, I feel there’s always this wall, whether it be my sin or my own crazy thoughts.
Taking a moment to sit with those negative thoughts, I am afraid they are all rooted in fear and pride.
True life-ruiners, that fear and pride.
I am fearful of coming across as a hypocrite, an idiot, “holier than thou” and any other hurtful thought a person can have of me.
All of those thoughts (that for the most part I come up with on my own) pierce my precious pride, and bam, there’s that wall again.
The bad guy wins this battle over me so many times.
I remember back to my senior year of high school, the year I let God rush into my heart for a full conversion.
Man, I was so confident that year. I call it my honeymoon year with God.
I was so on fire with the love of God, that all-encompassing love for me, that I didn’t care for a second what people thought of me. I had just found out God made me who I am on purpose, all my quirks and crazy, and that gave me all the confidence in the world. I loved Him and trusted in His love for me like a child. Nothing else mattered.
Then, lots of life and new insecurities through everything adulthood brings happened … and so many things that shouldn’t matter, matter so much.
I pray I can get back to some form of that honeymoon.
The good news is the awareness of this fear and pride and all of the buckets of grace Jesus has been sending and still has in store for me.
I pray this is only a season in my spiritual walk that I can learn and grow so much from.
I am good enough to be His true disciple, absolutely by no merit of my own, but because he has chosen me.
And that fear and pride, ain’t nobody got time for that.
Text © Stephanie Stovall 2019